If you are eating right now, stop eating! You are about to see presidents of the United States wearing bathing suits, and it is an experience that is incompatible with the digestion of food.
You might be wondering, “Is this safe to view at work?” The answer is that it depends on where you work. If you’re not sure, ask the HR department if your office has a policy on looking at pictures of the presidents in bathing suits during work hours.
PLEASE NOTE: Instead of listing the presidents in chronological order, we’ve ranked them in order of the length of their you-know-whats.
Gerald Ford reveals America’s secret weapon.
Length of inaugural address: 850 words
You might as well linger here, because it’s not going to get any better than this! (We mean both this list and, also, your life.)
Length of inaugural address: 983 words
Here is a photo of Jimmy Carter in Georgia at the Plains High School Senior Prom. As a chaperone, it was his job to make sure none of the students were eaten by catfish.
Length of inaugural address: 1,228 words
John F. Kennedy
“I’ve already slept with all the women on this beach, too. Hoist the mainsail, we’re moving on to the next island!”
Length of inaugural address: 1,364 words
You can see a half-naked George Washington anytime you want, by going to the National Museum of American History. You can even sit in his lap, if you don’t mind being arrested!
Length of inaugural address: 1,419 words
“Oh hi, I’m Lucifer. Welcome to Hell! Here’s your roommate.”
Length of inaugural address: 1,433 words
Lyndon B. Johnson
“Well Timmy, it says here ‘Warning extreme danger do not use as a floatation device,’ but I don’t know who the hell these people think they’re talking to.”
Length of inaugural address: 1,492 words
You’re thinking about bringing Bill Clinton a towel, because he looks cold, but that’s just what he wants you to do.
Length of inaugural address: 1,580 words
Franklin D. Roosevelt
FDR’s blossoming career as a 1920s circus strong man on the Atlantic City boardwalk was cut short when he decided to enter politics.
Length of inaugural address: 1,880 words
Jimmy Carter was the first president born in a hospital, but Richard Nixon was the first president to emerge mysteriously from the ocean as a fully formed, tricky adult.
Length of inaugural address: 2,123 words
Harry S. Truman
Every day is an adventure with Harry S. Truman! That’s why every day he wears a pith helmet.
Length of inaugural address: 2,273 words
Sure, he’s enjoying those legs now. But that deal he made with the sea witch is going to come back to haunt him.
Length of inaugural address: 2,404 words
Dwight D. Eisenhower
I hope this woman was telling Dwight D. Eisenhower that he looks great and does not need to be wearing Spanx.
Length of inaugural address: 2,446 words
The biggest drowning risk at Ronald Reagan’s pool was drowning in his deep blue eyes. (And then, dazed and lightheaded, drowning in the pool.)
Length of inaugural address: 2,463 words
“I know how to fix this—I’ll catch a bunch of trout for everyone. Those Dust Bowl farmers are going to be blown away when they hear the news about trout.”
Length of inaugural address: 3,801 words
Calvin Coolidge was confused about the assignment.
Length of inaugural address: 4,054 words