Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

U.S. Presidents

How to Celebrate Herbert Hoover’s Birthday

Herbert Hoover

Your long wait is over. It is finally, finally Herbert Hoover’s birthday.

What I love about Herbert Hoover’s birthday is that it’s the one day of the year when you get to really focus on Herbert Hoover, all day long, to the exclusion of everything else. Here are some ideas to help you plan a celebration that’s fun, rewarding, and full of memories that will help get you through the rest of the year. Which even now is looming, dark and inescapable, like an approaching sandstorm.


1. Eat Oatmeal. Herbert Hoover was a Quaker, which means that it’s the perfect day to whip out your microwave and make a delicious bowl of Quaker oatmeal. With each nourishing mouthful, it will be like you’re taking a steaming hot bite of Herbert Hoover.


2. Be efficient. Hoover was an adherent of the Efficiency Movement, so with everything you do today, try to be as efficient as possible. For starters, reading this list is probably not an efficient use of your time.


3. Dig a mine. Did you know that Herbert Hoover had a personal fortune, and that he made it in mining? You’ve been meaning to amass a personal fortune, and what better way to do so than by digging a mine in your backyard? Who knows what kind of valuable resources you’ll find! Soil? Electricity? Natural gas?


4. Disaster relief. Herbert Hoover helped evacuate thousands of Americans from Europe when WWI broke out. So the least you can do is help your neighbors evacuate after their house is swallowed by a sinkhole due to your poor mining practices.


5. Distribute food. Herbert Hoover saved millions of Europeans from starvation during WWI, even though (at the time) he was a private citizen. You can recognize his humanitarian work by having a European over for dinner. (If you don’t know any Europeans, just go to the airport and stand at Arrivals with a sign that says “I want to have a European for dinner.”)


6. Play Hooverball. What better way to cap off the day’s activities than with a rousing game of Hooverball? Hooverball was invented by Herbert Hoover’s doctor to help the then-president stay in shape. Wikipedia describes it as a “a combination of volleyball and tennis, played with a 6 lb medicine ball.” Which leaves a lot of room for interpretation. So as long as you use a 6 lb medicine ball, feel free to combine volleyball and tennis in any ratio you like.

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A Fake Interview with Donald Trump

JD pretend to interview Donald Trump

President Donald Trump claims to hate The New York Times, which he calls “the failing New York Times,” yet he keeps giving them interviews. We, on the other hand, have not secured a single interview with him, even though he has never once called us “the failing Hottest Heads of State.” (Despite the fact that we are, by some measures, more of a failure than the New York Times.)

Fortunately, if there’s one thing I picked up at the University of Missouri School of Journalism (back when I regularly walked past it and imagined what was being taught inside) it’s that you’re allowed to make up interviews as long as you use real quotes.

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Sincerely, Dick

Relationship Advice from Richard Nixon

Richard Nixon writes his own relationship advice column

Richard Nixon recorded all of his Oval Office conversations, and the transcripts from these secret tapes are an nonstop explosion of profound wisdom and keen observations about the human condition. If you’ve ever read through the transcripts yourself, you probably thought, “If only this guy had his own relationship advice column!” Well, all of your wildest dreams are about to come true.

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Explosive Video Shows Trump Colluding with Moscow

Sean Spicer, the White House press secretary, during a briefing on Friday. Acknowledging that President Trump is a Russian operative, Mr. Spicer argued “We litigated this all through the election. People didn’t care. They voted for him.” (Photo credit – Eric Thayer for The New York Times)

Washington, D.C. – CNN today released a video showing President Donald J. Trump meeting in Dubai with Russian strongman Vladimir Putin in February, 2016 to plan Russia’s interference in the U.S. election on Trump’s behalf, and to agree on concrete steps Trump would take in return to help the Russian leader. The video, which has been independently authenticated, also shows Putin tousling Trump’s hair, and the U.S. president speaking fluent Russian.

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Gaze Upon the Presidents in their Bathing Suits

Gerald Ford swimming

If you are eating right now, stop eating! You are about to see presidents of the United States wearing bathing suits, and it is an experience that is incompatible with the digestion of food.

You might be wondering, “Is this safe to view at work?” The answer is that it depends on where you work. If you’re not sure, ask the HR department if your office has a policy on looking at pictures of the presidents in bathing suits during work hours.

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Choose Your Own Adventure: You Are Donald Trump

Choose Your Own Adventure: You are Donald Trump

WARNING!!

Do not read this story straight through from beginning to end. These web pages contain many different adventures you may have as U.S. president Donald Trump. From time to time as you read along, you will be asked to make a choice. Your choice may lead to disaster, a worse disaster, or—theoretically—middling success.

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The Vice Presidents of the United States: In Order of Hotness

Dan Quayle

U.S. Department of Defense

At some point in their lives, every American memorizes the faces of all 43 U.S. presidents. But have you ever wondered what our vice presidents look like? No? Oh.

Um. I’m just going to leave this here:
The Vice Presidents of the United States: In Order of Hotness.

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The Presidents of the United States: When They Were Young and Hunky

Young Theodore Roosevelt

Not a lot of people realize how attractive (almost) all of the U.S. presidents were when they were young. And I, for one, am tired of people not realizing this.

So for the sake of your history education, I submit to you photos of the U.S. presidents when they were young and hunky.

They are not ranked in order of hotness, because I couldn’t find a picture of every president in the same age range, and in a couple of cases I couldn’t find a youthful photo or portrait at all. In those instances I just substituted a a picture of Tommy Lee Jones or whoever. Enjoy!

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