President of Lithuania
Dalia Grybauskaitė

Kapeksas / Wikimedia Commons

As you may have noticed (if you’re my travel agent) I spent last month in Lithuania. Lithuania is a popular vacation destination for those of us who are stalking Alexander Lukashenko but have been banned from Belarus for one reason or another. While there, I managed to land an imaginary interview with Lithuanian president and boyfriend-stealing hussy Dalia Grybauskaite. The transcript follows.

Kate: Dalia Grybauskaite, I have only one question for you today. Are you or are you not romantically involved with Belarusian president Alexander Lukashenko?

Dalia: Wait, what? I thought this was going to be an interview about my black belt in karate.

Kate: Yes, I did invite you here under the premise of questioning you about your unfeminine and unbecoming karate skills, but that was just a clever trick.

Dalia: What do you mean “invite me here”? I was walking to my mailbox and you jumped out from behind a bush!

Kate: I am growing impatient with your unsophisticated attempts to change the subject. I ask you again: ARE YOU DATING ALEXANDER LUKASHENKO?

Dalia: No. That is preposterous.

Kate: Oh really? Preposterous? Then how do you explain—dramatic pause—THIS PHOTO?

Dalia Grybauskaite and Alexander Lukashenko

Dalia: Why did you say “dramatic pause”?

Kate: Awkward silence.

Dalia: Hmm…well, that is a photo of Alexander Lukashenko and me in a meeting at the Belarusian-Lithuanian economic forum last month.

Kate: I know. I took this photo. I was hiding behind another bush.

Dalia: Ah yes, I remember wondering what that bush was doing inside the ministry of trade. You kept poking Alexander’s shoe with a branch.

Kate: Yes, that’s right. Now, you claim that this was a “meeting” with President Lukashenko. But answer me this: What kind of “meeting” lasts for over one hour? As I have repeatedly explained to my boss, any meeting that lasts longer than five minutes is a date.

Dalia: Really? Well maybe you’re right! Maybe I am dating Alexander Lukashenko. He did ask me to come and visit him in Belarus. Do you think he likes me?

Kate: What? No!

Dalia: He is rather handsome, in a mustachey way. Maybe I’ll give him a call!

Kate: No!

Dalia: Yes! I think I’ll ask him to the Lithuanian prom.

Kate: This imaginary interview isn’t going well for me at all!

Dalia: They rarely do.

Kate: President Grybauskaite, I am only going to issue this warning once: Alexander Lukashenko is my soul mate. And you should not interfere, because I can destroy you.

Dalia: I am not concerned. I can break a concrete block with my hand.

Kate: Oh, please. Anyone can break a concrete block with their hand! If their hand is holding a sledgehammer.

Dalia: Are you the one who sledgehammered my mailbox?

Kate: Yes.