This year, our New Year’s resolution was to write a list of fake New Year’s resolutions and ascribe them to various heads of state and government. Now we’re done, and we get to kick back and do nothing for the rest of the year. See you in January 2017, suckers!

We asked: “What is your New Year’s resolution?”

Kim Jong Un

Wikimedia Commons

“I know I say this every January, but this year I’m really going to invade South Korea. I just need to stay focused and not get distracted by other stuff once I’m back at work. If it’s April and I still haven’t invaded South Korea, I want you guys to call me on it.”

—Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea


Bujar Nishani

president.al

“I’ve resolved to finally give up smoking. Smoking meats, I mean. A lot of people don’t realize this, but smoking meats is very addictive. Right now, I smoke about six packs a day. Packs of meat.”

—Bujar Nishani, President of Albania


Pierre Nkurunziza

flickr.com

“My New Year’s Resolution is to get really good at the electric slide. I mean, REALLY good. I’ve always wanted to, plus it’ll give me something to fall back on if I get deposed in a coup.”

—Pierre Nkurunziza, President of Burundi


Malcolm Turnbull

ITU / I.Wood

“I resolve to hunt down and slay the Beast that terrorizes Parliament House. Every month the Beast comes here, always on the first night of the new moon, and devours a single employee of the Australian government. To prepare for battle, I must acquire a single cassowary claw coated in the venom of the Rainbow Serpent. I’ve already tracked the thing back to its lair by following the trail of bile it leaves on the pavement. Turns out, it has an apartment in Kingston!”

—Malcolm Turnbull, Prime Minister of Australia


Tommy Remengesau

Rico Shen / Wikimedia Commons

“In 2016, I’m going to resolve to be more cool. Ha! Just kidding. It would be impossible to be any more cool than I already am. Maybe I’ll try being less cool in 2016, just to see what it’s like. But don’t worry, I’ll go back to being cool again in 2017.”

—Tommy Remengesau, President of Palau


Dmitry Medvedev

kremlin.ru

“I need to get my finances in order. I’m going to start bringing my own lunch, I’m going to clip coupons, and I’m going to invest all my money in Putin-scented candles. Those appreciate in value, right?”

—Dmitry Medvedev, Prime Minister of Russia


Vladimir Putin ignoring you

kremlin.ru

“I do not make New Year’s resolutions. If something needs to be done I do it immediately, like a swift hammer striking an iron.”

—Vladimir Putin, President of Russia

“Also, I forgot to mention that the hammer looks like a shark.”

—Vladimir Putin, President of Russia


Beata Szydło

Platforma Obywatelska RP / Polska

“This year, I’m going to get serious about Diktat, my Synthpop band. We’re going to practice every week, hand out tapes to pedestrians downtown, and hopefully, we’ll finally get some paying gigs.”

—Beata Szydło, Prime Minister of Poland


Henri of Luxembourg

Antonio Cruz / ABr

“I’ve put in a lot of time in this job, but I still feel like I haven’t gotten the recognition I deserve. Well, this is the year I change that. I’m going to really focus on work, put my nose to the grindstone, and get promoted to king.”

—Henri, Grand Duke of Luxembourg


Barack Obama talking on the phone

Pete Souza / White House

“I will learn how to play the ukulele, or I will die trying.”

—Barack Obama, President of the United States


Robert Fico

MGlen / Wikimedia Commons

“I have promised my wife that this year, I’ll finally get this tooth pulled. She’s always telling me, ‘Bobby, that cavity isn’t going to heal itself! You’re in constant pain, you complain about it all the time, just go to the dentist already!’ And I’ve put it off because my job’s health benefits suck, but this year I’m just going to ahead and do it.”

—Robert Fico, Prime Minister of Slovakia


Justin Trudeau

youtube.com

“I’ll give you a hint. It’s going to involve a bathtub, 40 gallons of milk, and…well, that’s it, actually. I’m going to take a milk bath.”

—Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada


Angela Merkel

Armin Linnartz / Wikimedia Commons

“I WILL DESTROY MY ENEMIES IN A TSUNAMI OF WATER AND FLAMES AND, well, not water and flames. Because the water would put out the flames, and then it would just be a regular tsunami. Ha ha! Oh well, back to the drawing board!”

—Angela Merkel, Prime Minister of Germany


Miro Cerar

Nebojša Tejić / STA

“I’m finally going to get one of my poems published. I don’t care if it means I have to nationalize a publishing house. This will be the year of Miro Cerar, Poet.”

—Miro Cerar, Prime Minister of Slovenia


Sabah Al-Ahmad Al-Jaber Al-Sabah

kremlin.ru

“I’m going to get a Prius. I know I can’t save the world all by myself, but at least I’ll be doing my part.”

—Sabah Al-Ahmad Al-Jaber Al-Sabah, Emir of Kuwait


Giorgi Margvelashvili

Senat Rzeczypospolitej Polskiej

“Literally first thing this year, before I’m even back at work after the holidays, I’m going to search every square inch of the presidential palace until I figure out where that smell is coming from.”

—Giorgi Margvelashvili, President of Georgia


Simonetta Sommaruga

Jean-Marc Ferré / UN Photo

“You know that feeling when you keep putting off a tough decision, and it just sort of sort of looms over you? Well, this is the year to finally stop putting things off and make a decision. This year, Switzerland will finally abandon our neutrality and pick a side. If I haven’t decided which side by July, I’ll just flip a coin.”

—Simonetta Sommaruga, President of Switzerland