Trump and Hillary have accused each other of being puppets. It’s time to show them who the real puppet is: You!
But don’t dress as either of them as puppets, because that’s a little too on-the-nose. Instead, dress as Bert from Sesame Street. Or, if you must, Sexy Bert.
Don’t dress as Ken Bone. We’re only including him on this list so you can’t claim later than no one told you not to dress as Ken Bone.
A lot of people are too lazy and apathetic to get involved in the U.S. election, but not Vladimir Putin! And just imagine what people at the Halloween Party will say when you show up shirtless, on horseback, carrying a rifle. (They’ll say, “Call the cops!”)
Just put on a suit, grab one of your copies of the “A Better Way” House GOP policy agenda, and if anyone brings up the presidential election, pretend you don’t speak English. Fair warning, though: you’ll need to be in great shape because Paul Ryan keeps it tight.
This is pretty much exactly like dressing as a vampire. Except you’re going to have to really lean into the part, because you’re a vampire who is gleeful and playful about his duplicity and evildoing. Sort of a Tom-Cruise-in-Interview-With-A-Vampire. (Or Tom-Cruise-in-Top-Gun, if you understand the subtle darkness of that movie like we do.)
The most important part of a Barack Obama costume is to not use makeup to darken your skin. We cannot emphasize this enough. And yet, it will be absolutely awesome if you use sunless tanning lotion to make your skin super-orange and go as Donald Trump. In fact, I’m afraid we must insist that you do so. Sorry!
The key to this costume is to not go as Senator Marco Rubio, but as EDM-fan Marco Rubio. Wear club clothing and dance around holding glowsticks, and if anyone asks who you’re dressed as, tell them “Marco Rubio.” (We actually think this is a legitimately good idea.)
We are terrified of what kinds of targeted ads we’ll start getting if we google “Ivanka Trump mask,” so we won’t. But we bet they exist, and our hearts go out to the women being pressured to wear them.
You’re going to need a nice, rubbery Ted Cruz mask. Or, barring that, just coat your face in rubber. But the key is to avoid rubber that looks anything like real skin.
I’m picturing an all-black body suit being consumed by a swirling vortex of clouds. So you’re going to need like 10,000 cotton balls. Hopefully for the last few years you’ve been pocketing cotton balls whenever you’re left alone at the doctor’s office.
The great thing about this costume is that you can wear whatever you want. The only way anyone at your Halloween party is going to know what Reince Priebus looks like is if they are RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. (In which case, see if you can persuade someone dressed as Abraham Lincoln to go toss a drink in Preibus’ face.)
Will you be jinxing things if you dress as Hillary getting sworn in as president? Yes, but political scientists tell us a jinx is only good for 2-3 points, and Hillary is running close to ten points ahead.
The hardest part about dressing up as Wikileaks founder Julian Assange is deciding whether to go with long white hair or longer white hair.
Don’t tell people in advance that you’re going to come to a Halloween party dressed as a “nasty woman,” because they’ll be disappointed to learn that means wearing a pantsuit and talking about Social Security.
We know what you’re thinking: everyone is going to be dressed as Prohibition Party presidential candidate Jim Hedges, helping to spread the message “Vote dry – Ask me why.” You’re probably also thinking, “I want to show my support for reinstating Prohibition, but how do I stand out from the crowd while doing it?” The answer is with an official Prohibition Party can cooler, which promises to help you “Be the envy of your tailgate party.” And you know what? It probably will.
(For extra verisimilitude, carry around a plush version of the Prohibition Party’s mascot: the camel! Why is the camel the Prohibition Party’s mascot? Because PEOPLE LOVE CAMELS, just like they loved Prohibition.)
This is a fun one because most people won’t realize it’s actually a 2024 U.S. Presidential election costume.
Sad George Washington
We’re glad George Washington isn’t here to witness the 2016 election, because we think it would make him really sad. (And because it would be spooky if George Washington were still hanging around.)
Basket of Deplorables
If you don’t already own a giant basket with leg holes in it, then you should start weaving now. Next year you can reuse it when you dress up as “Going to Hell in a Handbasket,” and the year after that you can be “Easter gone horribly wrong.”
Trump’s Tax Returns
Don’t put a ton of effort into this costume, because you’re going to need to stay home so that no one sees you. Which is a shame, because “Sexy Tax Returns” might be the ultimate apex of ironic sexy costumes. It would need to be a costume with a lot of “deductions,” if you know what we mean. (We barely know what we mean.
We’re only including Ben Carson because some of his recent statements in defense of Trump would make great pickup lines. “Sometimes you put your Christian values on pause to get the work done.”
If someone thinks it’s funny to grab you because you’re dressed as a pussycat, call the police, because it’s illegal to just roll up on people and grab them.