It’s time for the annual feature in which we comment on the search terms that brought people to our site. WordPress shows us these terms, presumably to help us do search engine optimization. But you know what is more fun than working on search engine optimization? Nearly everything. And “nearly everything” includes “making fun of people’s search terms.”

So, if you think reading jokes about search terms sounds fun, then you’ve come to the right place! Indeed, this might be the only place for you. And if you enjoy it, feel free to check out our 2015 installment. It will feel comfortable and familiar, because we probably recycled a lot of the same jokes.


"10 sexist presidents" search term

“10 sexist presidents”

Just 10 sexist presidents? We can probably list more than 10.


Lyndon B Johnson

“president that looks like a peanut”

OH SNAP. We are going to do a list of the presidents who look the most like a peanut. Count on it.


Olav den helliges fall i slaget på Stiklestad

Peter Nicolai Arbo

“smiting process”

Step one: Identify your foe
Step two: Close distance
Step three: Smite, mightily
Repeat as necessary.


"ronald reagan nude photos" search term

“ronald reagan nude photos”

You’re going to have to go to the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, California, if you want to see nude photos of Ronald Reagan. But they don’t put this collection on public display, so just find a library employee and whisper, “I’d like to see the Ronald Reagan nude photos, please.”


"Domain available" screenshot

“old american president bill clidons handsome photos .com”

I don’t want to encourage anyone to cybersquat, but this domain is available and can be yours for $14.99 per year. Now you’ll finally have something to leave your kids after you’re gone!


kolinda search term
“kolinda,moze li mijenjati deyton.”

Google Translate tells us this means “kolinda, you can change the Dayton Peace Agreement.”

If you’re asking her to change the peace accords that ended the war in Bosnia, you gotta at least capitalize her name.


Andrew Jackson old photo

“andrew jackson old images”

That is literally the only kind.


Franklin Pierce

“was franklin pierce good looking”

YES


Andres roofing is great!

“Andres Roofing Hottest Heads of State”

Looks like someone was searching for family-owned Andres Roofing in St. Louis, Missouri. That makes sense, because they have over 40 years of experience, they do excellent work at fair rates, and they treat their people well. Andres Roofing! Let them know Hottest Heads of State sent you…they will be surprised!


a terrifying rubber putin mask

“putin rubber mask buy”

Oh dear. So, a couple things.

First, if you’re looking for a rubber Putin mask (and please don’t tell us what you’re going to use it for), we do not sell them. But these masks by the Huizhou Hunyang Toy Company in Guandong look a-ma-zing. The only catch is that the minimum order is 100, but folks, listen to me: you can sell 99 of these masks.

Second, the product listing describes this as both “Great Man Vladimir Putin Mask,” and “It survived as a cannibal. Having fled the island, he now consumes the flesh of any humans he finds for sustenance.” And you know what? It kind of works!


Benjamin Harrison wearing a crown

“benjamin harrison v”

I hope I’m still around when Benjamin Harrison the Fifth is crowned King of the United States.


how to let alexis know i am prime search term
“how to let alexis know i am prime”

You need to stop goofing around with this junior-high note-passing crap and just walk up to Alexis and say “Hey, Alexis. I am prime!”


terminator

“from a distance stand, i peered into your direction with enthusiasm whether i can catch a sight of you”

As far as I can tell, this is not a quote from anything. I think Google has achieved sentience and is trying to contact me.


Benjamin Harrison wearing a crown

“handsome king united states”

I guess I’ll say Benjamin Harrison V.


fan fiction

“hottest fanfiction ever”

We don’t read a lot of fanfiction, but I feel comfortable saying our Putin fanfiction is probably not the hottest fanfiction ever, so this search probably shouldn’t have brought anyone to us.


most handsome kings
“most handsome kings of the world men”

“If I search for ‘most handsome kings of the world,’ is there a chance that there will be some female kings mixed in there? I’d better add the word ‘men’ at the end, just to be on the safe side.”


"putin seems smart" search term

“putin seems smart and one of the most intelligent presidents in the world today.”

Thanks for visiting our website, President Trump!


"photos of people presidents cant name" search term
“photos of presidents people cant name”

I have a hard time saying the words “President Trump” but that’s probably not what they mean.


John Tyler

“presidents in order of gotness”

We’re going to assume they meant to type “goatness.” Even without a beard, we’d put John Tyler first on this list. That dude looks like a goat!


"are republicans always wearing suits" search term
“are republicans always wearing suit”

You’re just going to have to seduce one and find out.


"illuminati" search term

“list of illuminati members in kenya”

Unfortunately the Illuminati group in Kenya has been struggling lately. John was really the driving force of the Nairobi chapter, and after he moved to London everything kind of lost steam and members started drifting off. They didn’t even do their Secret Santa gift exchange last year.


"how to get powerfull and goodlooking head" search term

“how to get powerfull and goodlooking head”

We recommend 3 reps of 8 with freeweights, every other day. Your head will be sore after the first day but don’t give up—summer is right around the corner and you need to get you head swimsuit-ready.


"10 reasons to vote for trump" search term
“10 reasons to vote for trump”

We did, in fact, write a 10 Reasons to Vote for Trump piece. It is probably not what this person was looking for!


Obama using computer

Pete Souza / White House

“pictures of us presidents as kids”

It should be “we” rather than “us,” Mr. President, but whatever. I guess there’s no grammar exam to get into Oberlin.


"which head of state is badass" search term

“which head of state is badass”

Looks like someone is working on their IB capstone project.


"presidentsheads" search term
“presidentsheads.com”

If this site actually exists, the Secret Service should probably look into it.


Sir Charles Tupper

loc.gov

“what canadian prime minister am i like”

A relatively obscure and largely unsuccessful 224-question personality test administered by the Manitoba Department of Education and Training between 1977 and 1979. It was abandoned after all the students kept getting “Sir Charles Tupper.”


"hot women of state dept" seach term
“hot women of state dept”

I have an idea for how Foggy Bottom can go around Congress to fully fund the Diplomatic Security Service. It involves a calendar.


Andrew Johnson

“president johnson nudes”

Andrew or Lyndon? You gotta be careful with this search because you don’t want to end up accidentally getting a bunch of pictures of Andrew Johnson nude.


"who is the top head over the president" search term
“who is the top head over the president”

It’s the American people. The boss of the president is the American people. (Or sometimes the Russian president.)


Francis Lightfoot Lee

“what did francis lightfoot lee risk by signing the declaration of independence”

Ink stains. Hand cramps. Misspelling his own name. Freedom isn’t free.


"new nice rish hansome real man with a car" search term

“new nice rish hansome real man with a car and from somewereelse states europe portugese fora change”

My friend, you may well need a change, but there are better ways to meet men.


on a scale of 1 to 10
“on a scale of 1 to 10 how attractive was richard nixon”

We are literally coming out with a book in Jan/Feb of 2018 where we answer this important question and the answer is 5.


John Tyler

“america’s best president tyler”

Again, someone misspelled “goatness.” It’s spelled “goatness,” not “best.”


"we don't need a democratic woman vp" search term
“we don’t need a democratic woman vp”

Umm, ok. We’ll take this comment under advisement.


"presidents nude pictures" search term
“presidents nude pictures”

I realize that every time we write “presidents nude pictures,” we increase our chances of getting hits from searches for “presidents nude pictures,” and needless to say we don’t have any presidents nude pictures. But more to the point, no one on the internet has presidents nude pictures. But as long as you’re here, why not do the next best thing to looking at presidents nude pictures: Buy some candles!


"vice presidents in no order" search term
“vice presidents in no order”

I mean, they’re going to have to be in some kind of order.


"rand paul shoes" search term
“rand paul shoes”

Obviously, everyone is looking for sweet pair of Rand Paul Shoes. But even after the holiday shopping season is over, they can be hard to find. Well, we can direct you to the next best thing: Rand Paul Socks. Or “Freedom Socks,” if you prefer.


And finally, the best search term of 2016:

president eisenhower bald head feels like my wife's ass


Appendix

Do people want to see nude pictures of presidents? Any president, just so long as it’s nude? Why yes. Yes they do. Here are just some of the searches we got for undifferentiated nude presidents.

  • photos of naked presidents
  • most hotest prsident nude gallery
  • nude photo of president
  • fake naked presidents pics
  • nude photos of presidents
  • any pics of presidents nude
  • presidents with naked pictures
  • nude photos of president of usa
  • young president nude
  • naked presidents photos