Herbert Hoover

Your long wait is over. It is finally, finally Herbert Hoover’s birthday.

What I love about Herbert Hoover’s birthday is that it’s the one day of the year when you get to really focus on Herbert Hoover, all day long, to the exclusion of everything else. Here are some ideas to help you plan a celebration that’s fun, rewarding, and full of memories that will help get you through the rest of the year. Which even now is looming, dark and inescapable, like an approaching sandstorm.

1. Eat Oatmeal. Herbert Hoover was a Quaker, which means that it’s the perfect day to whip out your microwave and make a delicious bowl of Quaker oatmeal. With each nourishing mouthful, it will be like you’re taking a steaming hot bite of Herbert Hoover.

2. Be efficient. Hoover was an adherent of the Efficiency Movement, so with everything you do today, try to be as efficient as possible. For starters, reading this list is probably not an efficient use of your time.

3. Dig a mine. Did you know that Herbert Hoover had a personal fortune, and that he made it in mining? You’ve been meaning to amass a personal fortune, and what better way to do so than by digging a mine in your backyard? Who knows what kind of valuable resources you’ll find! Soil? Electricity? Natural gas?

4. Disaster relief. Herbert Hoover helped evacuate thousands of Americans from Europe when WWI broke out. So the least you can do is help your neighbors evacuate after their house is swallowed by a sinkhole due to your poor mining practices.

5. Distribute food. Herbert Hoover saved millions of Europeans from starvation during WWI, even though (at the time) he was a private citizen. You can recognize his humanitarian work by having a European over for dinner. (If you don’t know any Europeans, just go to the airport and stand at Arrivals with a sign that says “I want to have a European for dinner.”)

6. Play Hooverball. What better way to cap off the day’s activities than with a rousing game of Hooverball? Hooverball was invented by Herbert Hoover’s doctor to help the then-president stay in shape. Wikipedia describes it as a “a combination of volleyball and tennis, played with a 6 lb medicine ball.” Which leaves a lot of room for interpretation. So as long as you use a 6 lb medicine ball, feel free to combine volleyball and tennis in any ratio you like.