Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

Author: J.D.

Sincerely, Dick

Relationship Advice from Richard Nixon

Richard Nixon writes his own relationship advice column

Richard Nixon recorded all of his Oval Office conversations, and the transcripts from these secret tapes are an nonstop explosion of profound wisdom and keen observations about the human condition. If you’ve ever read through the transcripts yourself, you probably thought, “If only this guy had his own relationship advice column!” Well, all of your wildest dreams are about to come true. Here are (fake) relationship questions answered by (real) quotes from Nixon, as recorded on his secret White House tapes.

NOTE: Richard Nixon’s relationship advice might not be suitable for young children, unless they are seeking bigoted, profanity-laced relationship advice.


Dear Mr. President,

I have a sticky situation that I’m hoping you can help me with. I know it’s wrong, but I’ve been cheating on my boyfriend. The other guy has written me a bunch of love letters, and I keep them in my bedroom. The problem is that my boyfriend is housesitting for me, and I forgot to hide the letters beforehand! What should I do?

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

Goddamn it, get in and get those files. Blow the safe and get them. The way I want that handled is…just to break in. Break in and take it out! You understand?…You are to break into the place, rifle the files, and bring them out…Just go in and take it! Go in around eight or nine o’clock. And clean it up.

Sincerely,
Dick


Dear Mr. President,

My fiance and I are getting married in a couple of months. We’re merging our finances, but we disagree about how to file our taxes. I think we should hire an accountant. But my fiance wants to handle it all by himself. Who should we use to do our taxes? And relatedly, should we use that person to go after our enemies?

Jane

Dear Jane,

I want to make sure he is a ruthless son of a bitch, do what he’s told, that every income tax I want to see I see, that he will go after our enemies and not our friends. Now it’s as simple as that. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t get the job.

Sincerely,
Dick


Dear Mr. President,

I haven’t come out to my parents yet. I’m thinking about doing it at my sister’s wedding, but at the same time, I’m worried that telling them in the middle of all the commotion around the wedding will be like dropping a nuclear bomb on them.

Henry

Dear Henry,

A nuclear bomb, does that bother you?…I just want you to think big, Henry, for Christ’s sake! The only place where you and I disagree is with regard to the bombing. You’re so goddamned concerned about civilians, and I don’t give a damn. I don’t care.

Sincerely,
Dick


Dear Mr. President,

My fiance Patrick and I are planning our wedding. He thinks we should have a cash bar at the reception, but I think we should shell out for an open bar. What do you think? Also, I’m worried he’s lying about being Irish. How can I tell if someone is “real Irish,” to coin a bizarre phrase?

Lydia

Dear Lydia,

The Irish can’t drink. What you always have to remember with the Irish is they get mean. Virtually every Irish I’ve known gets mean when he drinks. Particularly the real Irish.

Sincerely,
Dick


Dear Mr. President,

I’m facing a really tough dilemma. I’m in my senior year of high school, and I just got early acceptance to Brown University. It’s a pretty big opportunity, because I’ve always wanted to live in Rhode Island. But my boyfriend wants me stay in my hometown, where he says he will “educate me in love.” What should I do?

George

Dear George,

They’re finished. The Ivy League schools are finished … They came out against us when it was tough … Don’t ever go to an Ivy League school again, ever. Never, never, never.

Sincerely,
Dick


Dear Mr. President,

Is it ok to swear? It feels like everyone swears, so I’m not too worried about it. But at the same time, I want to make sure that my femininity remains firmly intact, like a tight iron mask.

Mary

Dear Mary,

We all do it. We all swear. But you show me a girl that swears and I’ll show you an awful unattractive person. . . . I mean, all femininity is gone. And none of the smart girls do swear, incidentally.

Sincerely,
Dick


Dear Mr. President,

I met a guy online and we’ve been talking for a few months now. He wants to move in together, but I’d like to spend more time in person getting to know each other. Do you think it’s important to meet someone on-on-one and get to know them? And as a former president, can you share some inspiring words about the indomitable spirit of the American people?

Caroline

Dear Caroline,

The American people are suckers. “Getting to know you”—all that bullshit.

Sincerely,
Dick


Dear Mr. President,

My boyfriend and I are planning our first long vacation together, but we can’t agree on where to go. I want to go to New York and visit museums and see Broadway shows, but my boyfriend wants to go camping and fishing in the country. I love my boyfriend, but I really don’t want to spend a week in the country.

Catherine

Dear Catherine,

I’m going to destroy the goddamn country, believe me, I mean destroy it if necessary. And let me say, even the nuclear weapons if necessary. It isn’t necessary. But, you know, what I mean is, what shows you the extent to which I’m willing to go.

Sincerely,
Dick


Do you have a question you’d like to ask Richard Nixon’s secret White House tapes? Send it to jdandkateindustries@gmail.com and we might use it for a future Nixon advice column!

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Choose Your Own Adventure: You Are Donald Trump

Choose Your Own Adventure: You are Donald Trump

WARNING!!

Do not read this story straight through from beginning to end. These web pages contain many different adventures you may have as U.S. president Donald Trump. From time to time as you read along, you will be asked to make a choice. Your choice may lead to disaster, a worse disaster, or—theoretically—middling success.

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Best Search Terms from 2016

It’s time for the annual feature in which we comment on the search terms that brought people to our site. WordPress shows us these terms, presumably to help us do search engine optimization. But you know what is more fun than working on search engine optimization? Nearly everything. And “nearly everything” includes “making fun of people’s search terms.”

So, if you think reading jokes about search terms sounds fun, then you’ve come to the right place! Indeed, this might be the only place for you. And if you enjoy it, feel free to check out our 2015 installment. It will feel comfortable and familiar, because we probably recycled a lot of the same jokes.

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Reasons Not to Feel Hopeless

Washington Crossing the Delaware

Kate and I have different political perspectives (I’m a former GOP Senate staffer, Kate went to Brown), but we both oppose Trump. We didn’t sleep well election night, despite repeated doses of Miller Lite and Alka-Seltzer Plus “Night” (which we nevertheless endorse).

We are worried, and we didn’t write this to reassure you that everything is going to be OK. Trump ran as a nativist authoritarian and a lot of our fellow Americans voted for him, either despite that or because of it. That is a big deal, and we think anyone who cares about democracy should be worried. By which we mean worried enough to fight to preserve the republic. We DON’T want you to be so worried that you sit around drowning your sorrows in Alka-Seltzer. Do as we say, not as we do, at least with respect to Alka-Seltzer.

So with that it mind, here are the things that are keeping us from losing hope.

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The “Best” of Trump Twitter Memes

You might be blissfully unaware of this, but there is a whole culture of Trump supporters who use their free time and rudimentary knowledge of Photoshop to create pro-Trump “memes” to be distributed on Twitter.

Like scientists trekking deep into the fever swamps to collect an exotic tropical virus, we scrolled through literally tens of thousands of pro-Trump tweets to pick out some of the most bizarre images. And then we wrote captions for them, because that is what we do.

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How to Make Candles

Did you know that, in addition to running the amazing website you see before you, Kate and I also make candles that smell like world leaders? It’s true! I’m surprised you didn’t already know, because we bring it up ALL THE TIME.

And today, dear readers, we are going to teach YOU how to make candles. That way you’ll be prepared to come work for us when our candle empire grows out of control and we need to hire staff, or at least bring on an unpaid intern.

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Andrzej Duda

President of Poland
Andrzej Duda

polen-heute.de

Here is something we’ve learned from checking our email inbox every month or two: a lot of people have strong opinions about where we’ve ranked Polish president Andrzej Duda on our list of hottest world leaders.

We have received a few angry-ish comments regarding our ranking of President Duda, and now we are going to respond to them all at once, because that seemed like the most efficient way to deal with the whole Duda situation. It’s like killing 14 birds with one stone! And if there’s one thing we really want, it’s a bunch of dead birds.

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