Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

Author: J.D.

Is Your Home Safe From John Tyler? No, It Is Not.

John Tyler, swamp monster

Most people don’t realize how vulnerable their homes are to infiltration by former president and ancient swamp monster John Tyler. Here are 10 ways that John Tyler is able to enter your house, so he can build a nest and lay his eggs.


1. He swims up through the pipes and out through your toilet.

Remember, John Tyler can squeeze through any space wide enough to fit his head.


2. He gnaws through the floorboards.

Everyone told you not to build your house over a swamp, but you couldn’t help yourself. You wanted to be where the action is!


3. He slithers down the chimney.

This usually happens around Christmas, because that’s the only time of year that you take down your fireplace spikes.


4. He sneaks in through the mail.

Before bringing a mysterious package inside your house, ask yourself: Do you remember ordering something that weighed 160 pounds and would require air holes?


5. He gets a job at the gas company, then knocks at your door claiming he smells a gas leak.

And you WILL catch a whiff of rotten eggs, but don’t be tricked. You’re not smelling a gas leak, you’re smelling swamp gas, and it’s coming from John Tyler.


6. He pretends to be a loyal member of the Whig Party, so you let him in because you’ve got an open-door policy when it comes to Whigs.

By the time you realize he’s really more of a WINO, it’s too late, and he’s sitting in your bathtub complaining about the establishment of a central bank.


7. He buys a bank and forecloses on your mortgage.

You’ll have 30 days to vacate the premises, at which point he’s going to start filling it with frogs.


8. You accidentally adopt him.

Looking back, you’ll realize you did not read those adoption papers very carefully at all. But John Tyler is your son now, and you must find a way to love him.


9. He has been in your house all along.

He was in the sub-basement before you even moved in. (Surprise, you have a sub-basement!)


10. You hear a knock at the door. When you answer, there’s no one there. There is only a translucent, dry, scaly, human-shaped husk on the doorstep, as if a man had shed his skin like a snake. While you’re examining it, a clawed hand grips your shoulder from behind.

It’s John Tyler! He was just using his old skin to distract you while he snuck in the back.

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Choose Your Own Adventure: You Are Donald Trump

Choose Your Own Adventure: You are Donald Trump

WARNING!!

Do not read this story straight through from beginning to end. These web pages contain many different adventures you may have as U.S. president Donald Trump. From time to time as you read along, you will be asked to make a choice. Your choice may lead to disaster, a worse disaster, or—theoretically—middling success.

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Best Search Terms from 2016

It’s time for the annual feature in which we comment on the search terms that brought people to our site. WordPress shows us these terms, presumably to help us do search engine optimization. But you know what is more fun than working on search engine optimization? Nearly everything. And “nearly everything” includes “making fun of people’s search terms.”

So, if you think reading jokes about search terms sounds fun, then you’ve come to the right place! Indeed, this might be the only place for you. And if you enjoy it, feel free to check out our 2015 installment. It will feel comfortable and familiar, because we probably recycled a lot of the same jokes.

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Reasons Not to Feel Hopeless

Washington Crossing the Delaware

Kate and I have different political perspectives (I’m a former GOP Senate staffer, Kate went to Brown), but we both oppose Trump. We didn’t sleep well election night, despite repeated doses of Miller Lite and Alka-Seltzer Plus “Night” (which we nevertheless endorse).

We are worried, and we didn’t write this to reassure you that everything is going to be OK. Trump ran as a nativist authoritarian and a lot of our fellow Americans voted for him, either despite that or because of it. That is a big deal, and we think anyone who cares about democracy should be worried. By which we mean worried enough to fight to preserve the republic. We DON’T want you to be so worried that you sit around drowning your sorrows in Alka-Seltzer. Do as we say, not as we do, at least with respect to Alka-Seltzer.

So with that it mind, here are the things that are keeping us from losing hope.

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The “Best” of Trump Twitter Memes

You might be blissfully unaware of this, but there is a whole culture of Trump supporters who use their free time and rudimentary knowledge of Photoshop to create pro-Trump “memes” to be distributed on Twitter.

Like scientists trekking deep into the fever swamps to collect an exotic tropical virus, we scrolled through literally tens of thousands of pro-Trump tweets to pick out some of the most bizarre images. And then we wrote captions for them, because that is what we do.

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How to Make Candles

Did you know that, in addition to running the amazing website you see before you, Kate and I also make candles that smell like world leaders? It’s true! I’m surprised you didn’t already know, because we bring it up ALL THE TIME.

And today, dear readers, we are going to teach YOU how to make candles. That way you’ll be prepared to come work for us when our candle empire grows out of control and we need to hire staff, or at least bring on an unpaid intern.

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Andrzej Duda

President of Poland
Andrzej Duda

polen-heute.de

Here is something we’ve learned from checking our email inbox every month or two: a lot of people have strong opinions about where we’ve ranked Polish president Andrzej Duda on our list of hottest world leaders.

We have received a few angry-ish comments regarding our ranking of President Duda, and now we are going to respond to them all at once, because that seemed like the most efficient way to deal with the whole Duda situation. It’s like killing 14 birds with one stone! And if there’s one thing we really want, it’s a bunch of dead birds.

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Donald Trump’s July 21 NYT Interview, Illustrated

Since antiquity, illustrated manuscripts have helped bring clarity to confusing, ambiguous texts. And, like a monk toiling away in some secluded monastery, I have illustrated the transcript of Donald Trump’s July 21 interview with the New York Times. Its mysteries and occluded meanings have been brought to light, via the magic of the mechanical pencil Kate uses for crossword puzzles.

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