Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

Author: Kate

Gaze Upon the Presidents in their Bathing Suits

If you are eating right now, stop eating! You are about to see presidents of the United States wearing bathing suits, and it is an experience that is incompatible with the digestion of food.

You might be wondering, “Is this safe to view at work?” The answer is that it depends on where you work. If you’re not sure, ask the HR department if your office has a policy on looking at pictures of the presidents in bathing suits during work hours.

Also, please follow us on Facebook and Twitter, because it will make us happy. (We already checked with your HR and this is fine to do at work!)

PLEASE NOTE: Instead of listing the presidents in chronological order, we’ve ranked them in order of the length of their you-know-whats.


Gerald Ford in a bathing suit

Gerald Ford

Gerald Ford reveals America’s secret weapon.

Length of inaugural address: 850 words


Young Theodore Roosevelt in a bathing suit

Theodore Roosevelt

You might as well linger here, because it’s not going to get any better than this! (We mean both this list and, also, your life.)

Length of inaugural address: 983 words


Jimmy Carter in a bathing suit

Jimmy Carter

Here is a photo of Jimmy Carter in Georgia at the Plains High School Senior Prom. (As a chaperone, it was his job to make sure none of the students were eaten by catfish.)

Length of inaugural address: 1,228 words


JFK in a bathing suit

John F. Kennedy

“I’ve already slept with all the women on this beach, too. Hoist the mainsail, we’re moving on to the next island!”

Length of inaugural address: 1,364 words


George Washington in a bathing suit (sort of)

George Washington

You can see a half-naked George Washington anytime you want, by going to the National Museum of American History. You can even sit in his lap, if you don’t mind being arrested!

Length of inaugural address: 1,419 words


Donald Trump in bathrobe

Donald Trump

“Oh hi, I’m Lucifer. Welcome to Hell! Here’s your roommate.”

Length of inaugural address: 1,433 words


LBJ in bathing suit

Lyndon B. Johnson Library

Lyndon B. Johnson

“Well Timmy, it says here ‘Warning extreme danger do not use as a floatation device,’ but I don’t know who the hell these people think they’re talking to.”

Length of inaugural address: 1,492 words


Bill Clinton in bathing suit

Bill Clinton

You’re thinking about bringing Bill Clinton a towel, because he looks cold, but that’s just what he wants you to do.

Length of inaugural address: 1,580 words


FDR in a bathing suit

Franklin D. Roosevelt

FDR’s blossoming career as a 1920s circus strong man on the Atlantic City boardwalk was cut short when he decided to enter politics.

Length of inaugural address: 1,880 words


Richard Nixon in a bathing suit

Richard Nixon

Jimmy Carter was the first president born in a hospital, but Richard Nixon was the first president to emerge mysteriously from the ocean as a fully formed, tricky adult.

Length of inaugural address: 2,123 words


Harry S. Truman in a bathing suit

US Navy / Harry S. Truman Library

Harry S. Truman

Every day is an adventure with Harry S. Truman! That’s why every day he wears a pith helmet.

Length of inaugural address: 2,273 words


Barack Obama

Sure, he’s enjoying those legs now. But that deal he made with the sea witch is going to come back to haunt him.

Length of inaugural address: 2,404 words


Dwight D. Eisenhower in a bathing suit

Dwight D. Eisenhower

I hope this woman was telling Dwight D. Eisenhower that he looks great and does not need to be wearing Spanx.

Length of inaugural address: 2,446 words


Young Ronald Reagan in a bathing suit

Ronald Reagan

The biggest drowning risk at Ronald Reagan’s pool was drowning in his deep blue eyes. (And then, dazed and lightheaded, drowning in the pool.)

Length of inaugural address: 2,463 words


Herbert Hoover in a bathing suit (sort of)

Herbert Hoover

“I know how to fix this—I’ll catch a bunch of trout for everyone. Those Dust Bowl farmers are going to be blown away when they hear the news about trout.”

Length of inaugural address: 3,801 words


Calvin Coolidge in native american headdress

Calvin Coolidge

Calvin Coolidge was confused about the assignment.

Length of inaugural address: 4,054 words


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2 Comments on Gaze Upon the Presidents in their Bathing Suits

A Very Putin Christmas

Putin Christmas

If you haven’t read our series of Putin Fan Fiction yet, I recommend doing so, and then this will make (slightly) more sense. Just explain to your family that they’ll have to postpone celebrating Christmas for another five or six hours, because you’re reading fan fiction about Vladimir Putin.

It’s the night before Christmas, and you are alone in your apartment, drinking wine out of a gingerbread house that you’ve fashioned into a very leaky wine glass.

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Dilma Rousseff

President of Brazil (sort of)

You are Dilma Rousseff

WARNING!!!

Do not read this story straight through from beginning to end. These web pages contain many different adventures you may have as Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff. From time to time as you read along, you will be asked to make a choice. Your choice may lead to success or disaster!

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Vladimir Putin Fan Fiction: Ch. 6

Previous installments: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5

Vladimir Putin in a mailroom

kremlin.ru, bigstockphotos.com

Chapter 6: Putin the Moves On You

Alexander Lukashenko insists on walking you home after dinner, even though it is freezing outside and you keep hinting that you would rather him take you home in a cab.

“I wonder if it would be more cold or less cold inside of a cab,” you hint.

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You Should Read Our Other Website

Because we are always coming up with ideas for new humor websites to create and then neglect, we’d like to introduce you to Ad Supplement.

Ad Supplement is the only website on the entire internet devoted to making fun of the ads in the New York Times Magazine. If you are a fan of Hottest Heads of State and you read the New York Times Magazine, then you are part of a very small subset of people who is going to love Ad Supplement! Maybe you can all get special hats made or something.

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