Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

Choose Your Own Adventure

Choose Your Own Adventure: You Are Donald Trump

Choose Your Own Adventure: You are Donald Trump

WARNING!!

Do not read this story straight through from beginning to end. These web pages contain many different adventures you may have as U.S. president Donald Trump. From time to time as you read along, you will be asked to make a choice. Your choice may lead to disaster, a worse disaster, or—theoretically—middling success.

The adventures you have will be the result of your choices. After you make a choice, follow the instructions and see what happens.

Be careful! As the president of the United States, your choices have the potential to affect the entire planet. (And not in the abstract “a butterfly flapping its wings in China” sense. We mean the “your choices can burn the world in nuclear fire” sense.)

Good Luck!


Page 1

The date is January 20, 2017, and you have just been inaugurated as the 45th president of the United States.

You’re sitting in the Oval Office and thinking about what a dump it is compared to Trump Tower. There is almost no gold or white marble at all. You resolve to fix this quickly, because if there’s one thing that says “This country is great again,” it’s having the elite live in gold-and-marble palaces. You’re making a mental note to pass a law or something to make the White House gold when your chief-of-staff Reince Priebus walks in.

“Mr. President,” says Reince, “We’ve got a emerging situation in the Baltics. Secretary of Defense Mattis would like to brief you immediately.”

Just then, the red phone at the corner of your desk starts ringing. It’s the hotline to the Kremlin! Vladimir Putin must be calling to congratulate you. That guy sure loves to chat!

Boy, this job already feels like a lot of work. What will you do?

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Dilma Rousseff

President of Brazil (sort of)

You are Dilma Rousseff

WARNING!!!

Do not read this story straight through from beginning to end. These web pages contain many different adventures you may have as Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff. From time to time as you read along, you will be asked to make a choice. Your choice may lead to success or disaster!

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Bashar al-Assad

President of Syria

NOTE: We wrote this before things in Syria had descended to today’s utterly horrifying levels. There is unfortunately a lot of suffering in the world. But what these folks are enduring, and/or escaping, and/or enduring while they escape is shocking even in a world full of shockingly awful things.

We are not experts on international aid organizations, but below are a few we know are helping. We encourage you to consider supporting their efforts, as we do, and doing anything else you might be in a position to do. In the city we call home (St. Louis) we’re telling our elected officials that we support bringing refugees here, and again, if you’re in a position to do something similar we encourage you to consider it.

CARE
International Rescue Committee
Medicins Sans Frontiers


Choose Your Own Adventure

WARNING!!!

Do not read this straight through from beginning to end. These web pages contain many different adventures you may have as Syrian president Bashar al-Assad. From time to time as you read along, you will be asked to make a choice. Your choice may lead to success or disaster!

Continue Reading

1 Comment on Bashar al-Assad