Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

2016 U.S. Election

Choose Your Own Adventure: You Are Donald Trump

Choose Your Own Adventure: You are Donald Trump


Do not read this story straight through from beginning to end. These web pages contain many different adventures you may have as U.S. president Donald Trump. From time to time as you read along, you will be asked to make a choice. Your choice may lead to disaster, a worse disaster, or—theoretically—middling success.

The adventures you have will be the result of your choices. After you make a choice, follow the instructions and see what happens.

Be careful! As the president of the United States, your choices have the potential to affect the entire planet. (And not in the abstract “a butterfly flapping its wings in China” sense. We mean the “your choices can burn the world in nuclear fire” sense.)

Good Luck!

Page 1

The date is January 20, 2017, and you have just been inaugurated as the 45th president of the United States.

You’re sitting in the Oval Office and thinking about what a dump it is compared to Trump Tower. There is almost no gold or white marble at all. You resolve to fix this quickly, because if there’s one thing that says “This country is great again,” it’s having the elite live in gold-and-marble palaces. You’re making a mental note to pass a law or something to make the White House gold when your chief-of-staff Reince Priebus walks in.

“Mr. President,” says Reince, “We’ve got a emerging situation in the Baltics. Secretary of Defense Mattis would like to brief you immediately.”

Just then, the red phone at the corner of your desk starts ringing. It’s the hotline to the Kremlin! Vladimir Putin must be calling to congratulate you. That guy sure loves to chat!

Boy, this job already feels like a lot of work. What will you do?

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Reasons Not to Feel Hopeless

Washington Crossing the Delaware

Kate and I have different political perspectives (I’m a former GOP Senate staffer, Kate went to Brown), but we both oppose Trump. We didn’t sleep well election night, despite repeated doses of Miller Lite and Alka-Seltzer Plus “Night” (which we nevertheless endorse).

We are worried, and we didn’t write this to reassure you that everything is going to be OK. Trump ran as a nativist authoritarian and a lot of our fellow Americans voted for him, either despite that or because of it. That is a big deal, and we think anyone who cares about democracy should be worried. By which we mean worried enough to fight to preserve the republic. We DON’T want you to be so worried that you sit around drowning your sorrows in Alka-Seltzer. Do as we say, not as we do, at least with respect to Alka-Seltzer.

So with that it mind, here are the things that are keeping us from losing hope.

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The “Best” of Trump Twitter Memes

You might be blissfully unaware of this, but there is a whole culture of Trump supporters who use their free time and rudimentary knowledge of Photoshop to create pro-Trump “memes” to be distributed on Twitter.

Like scientists trekking deep into the fever swamps to collect an exotic tropical virus, we scrolled through literally tens of thousands of pro-Trump tweets to pick out some of the most bizarre images. And then we wrote captions for them, because that is what we do.

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Donald Trump’s July 21 NYT Interview, Illustrated

Since antiquity, illustrated manuscripts have helped bring clarity to confusing, ambiguous texts. And, like a monk toiling away in some secluded monastery, I have illustrated the transcript of Donald Trump’s July 21 interview with the New York Times. Its mysteries and occluded meanings have been brought to light, via the magic of the mechanical pencil Kate uses for crossword puzzles.

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Let’s Help the Democrats Choose a Vice President

Last week we gave the remaining GOP candidates some suggestions on who they should choose as running mates. But now the Democratic candidates are (probably) saying, “What about us? We don’t know who to choose as running mates either! And we need some ideas, or we’ll end up just picking someone at random from the crowd at the convention, like Kerry did with John Edwards.”

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Let’s Help the GOP Candidates Choose a Vice President

Running for president of the United States is practically a full-time job. And when you spend all your time shaking hands, kissing babies, and trying to shame your opponent’s wife, suddenly the day is over and you haven’t even had time to think about who will run the country if you die or (almost inevitably, with this crew) are impeached!

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