Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

Special Report

Gaze Upon the Presidents in their Bathing Suits

If you are eating right now, stop eating! You are about to see presidents of the United States wearing bathing suits, and it is an experience that is incompatible with the digestion of food.

You might be wondering, “Is this safe to view at work?” The answer is that it depends on where you work. If you’re not sure, ask the HR department if your office has a policy on looking at pictures of the presidents in bathing suits during work hours.

Also, please follow us on Facebook and Twitter, because it will make us happy. (We already checked with your HR and this is fine to do at work!)

PLEASE NOTE: Instead of listing the presidents in chronological order, we’ve ranked them in order of the length of their you-know-whats.


Gerald Ford in a bathing suit

Gerald Ford

Gerald Ford reveals America’s secret weapon.

Length of inaugural address: 850 words


Young Theodore Roosevelt in a bathing suit

Theodore Roosevelt

You might as well linger here, because it’s not going to get any better than this! (We mean both this list and, also, your life.)

Length of inaugural address: 983 words


Jimmy Carter in a bathing suit

Jimmy Carter

Here is a photo of Jimmy Carter in Georgia at the Plains High School Senior Prom. (As a chaperone, it was his job to make sure none of the students were eaten by catfish.)

Length of inaugural address: 1,228 words


JFK in a bathing suit

John F. Kennedy

“I’ve already slept with all the women on this beach, too. Hoist the mainsail, we’re moving on to the next island!”

Length of inaugural address: 1,364 words


George Washington in a bathing suit (sort of)

George Washington

You can see a half-naked George Washington anytime you want, by going to the National Museum of American History. You can even sit in his lap, if you don’t mind being arrested!

Length of inaugural address: 1,419 words


Donald Trump in bathrobe

Donald Trump

“Oh hi, I’m Lucifer. Welcome to Hell! Here’s your roommate.”

Length of inaugural address: 1,433 words


LBJ in bathing suit

Lyndon B. Johnson Library

Lyndon B. Johnson

“Well Timmy, it says here ‘Warning extreme danger do not use as a floatation device,’ but I don’t know who the hell these people think they’re talking to.”

Length of inaugural address: 1,492 words


Bill Clinton in bathing suit

Bill Clinton

You’re thinking about bringing Bill Clinton a towel, because he looks cold, but that’s just what he wants you to do.

Length of inaugural address: 1,580 words


FDR in a bathing suit

Franklin D. Roosevelt

FDR’s blossoming career as a 1920s circus strong man on the Atlantic City boardwalk was cut short when he decided to enter politics.

Length of inaugural address: 1,880 words


Richard Nixon in a bathing suit

Richard Nixon

Jimmy Carter was the first president born in a hospital, but Richard Nixon was the first president to emerge mysteriously from the ocean as a fully formed, tricky adult.

Length of inaugural address: 2,123 words


Harry S. Truman in a bathing suit

US Navy / Harry S. Truman Library

Harry S. Truman

Every day is an adventure with Harry S. Truman! That’s why every day he wears a pith helmet.

Length of inaugural address: 2,273 words


Barack Obama

Sure, he’s enjoying those legs now. But that deal he made with the sea witch is going to come back to haunt him.

Length of inaugural address: 2,404 words


Dwight D. Eisenhower in a bathing suit

Dwight D. Eisenhower

I hope this woman was telling Dwight D. Eisenhower that he looks great and does not need to be wearing Spanx.

Length of inaugural address: 2,446 words


Young Ronald Reagan in a bathing suit

Ronald Reagan

The biggest drowning risk at Ronald Reagan’s pool was drowning in his deep blue eyes. (And then, dazed and lightheaded, drowning in the pool.)

Length of inaugural address: 2,463 words


Herbert Hoover in a bathing suit (sort of)

Herbert Hoover

“I know how to fix this—I’ll catch a bunch of trout for everyone. Those Dust Bowl farmers are going to be blown away when they hear the news about trout.”

Length of inaugural address: 3,801 words


Calvin Coolidge in native american headdress

Calvin Coolidge

Calvin Coolidge was confused about the assignment.

Length of inaugural address: 4,054 words


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2 Comments on Gaze Upon the Presidents in their Bathing Suits

Best Search Terms from 2016

It’s time for the annual feature in which we comment on the search terms that brought people to our site. WordPress shows us these terms, presumably to help us do search engine optimization. But you know what is more fun than working on search engine optimization? Nearly everything. And “nearly everything” includes “making fun of people’s search terms.”

So, if you think reading jokes about search terms sounds fun, then you’ve come to the right place! Indeed, this might be the only place for you. And if you enjoy it, feel free to check out our 2015 installment. It will feel comfortable and familiar, because we probably recycled a lot of the same jokes.

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2 Comments on Best Search Terms from 2016

How to Make Candles

Did you know that, in addition to running the amazing website you see before you, Kate and I also make candles that smell like world leaders? It’s true! I’m surprised you didn’t already know, because we bring it up ALL THE TIME.

And today, dear readers, we are going to teach YOU how to make candles. That way you’ll be prepared to come work for us when our candle empire grows out of control and we need to hire staff, or at least bring on an unpaid intern.

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1 Comment on How to Make Candles

Best Search Terms from 2015

Because we don’t keep any secrets from you, readers, (except for the secret of where we’ve hidden our gold!) here are some of our favorite search terms that led people to Hottest Heads of State in 2015. Who knows, maybe one of these search terms was yours! (If so, please get in touch with us. We have some follow-up questions.)

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World Leaders Share Their New Year’s Resolutions

This year, our New Year’s resolution was to write a list of fake New Year’s resolutions and ascribe them to various heads of state and government. Now we’re done, and we get to kick back and do nothing for the rest of the year. See you in January 2017, suckers!

We asked: “What is your New Year’s resolution?”

Kim Jong Un

Wikimedia Commons

“I know I say this every January, but this year I’m really going to invade South Korea. I just need to stay focused and not get distracted by other stuff once I’m back at work. If it’s April and I still haven’t invaded South Korea, I want you guys to call me on it.”

—Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea

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World Leaders Share Their Real-Life Horror Stories

Just in time for Halloween, we asked some of our favorite world leaders what they are most afraid of. We received some great responses (in our imaginations), so settle in with a blanket and a bowl of candy apples while you read these spine-tingling tales of head-of-state horror.

We asked: “What is your greatest fear?”


Dmitry Medvedev

kremlin.ru

“I fear that this winter, our esteemed and beloved President Putin will make me go back inside the box until spring. I am not claustrophobic but it is hard to spend the winter inside a small box, especially with our long Russian winters.”

—Dmitry Medvedev, Prime Minister of Russia

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The Presidents of the United States: When They Were Young and Hunky

Young Theodore Roosevelt

Not a lot of people realize how attractive (almost) all of the U.S. presidents were when they were young. And I, for one, am tired of people not realizing this.

So for the sake of your history education, I submit to you photos of the U.S. presidents when they were young and hunky.

They are not ranked in order of hotness, because I couldn’t find a picture of every president in the same age range, and in a couple of cases I couldn’t find a youthful photo or portrait at all. In those instances I just substituted a a picture of Tommy Lee Jones or whoever. Enjoy!

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