If you’re not already familiar with Canada, it’s the country that sits atop America’s head like a large, misshapen hat. In the interest of furthering your Canadian education, below you’ll find all of the Canadian prime ministers listed in order of hotness. Now just commit this list to memory, and you’ll really wow that Canadian you know! Then maybe you can convince them to smuggle you some cheap prescription drugs.

Feel free to thank me by following us on Facebook or Twitter, or by sending me some cupcakes in the mail.

(Note: Please do not poison the cupcakes, because I’ll tell you right now that I’m too lazy to check my cupcakes for poison before eating them.)

Justin Trudeau

World Bank Photo Collection

1. Justin Trudeau

Justin Trudeau is the whole package! He’s handsome, he has a job, he has a giant tattoo of a bird on his arm, he smells amazing, and he is able to balance babies on one hand.

I don’t know why that’s the whole package, but it is. Best to just accept it and move on.


John Turner

2. John Turner

Uh oh. I think I’m in love. And with a Canadian! What am I going to tell my mom?

(Wait, I knowI’ll tell her he’s American!)


Pierre Trudeau

Duncan Cameron

3. Pierre Trudeau

If you aren’t convinced that Pierre Trudeau deserves the #3 spot, just check out this series of photos of him behaving abnormally.


Arthur Meighen

Library and Archives Canada

4. Arthur Meighen

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Arthur Meighen is ranked way too high. He looks like a skeleton. A handsome skeleton, sure, but the more I look at this photo the more I…wait. I think he just hypnotized me a little. Yep. I’ve definitely been hypnotized by this photo of Arthur Meighen, and now I have to do its bidding.”

But I’m going to have to stop you right there, because you’re boring me!


Sir Mackenzie Bowell

5. Sir Mackenzie Bowell

It’s hard to tell what Sir Mackenzie Bowell looked like, because this is just a photo of a giant beard. (I ranked him pretty high anyway—just in case.)


Robert Laird Borden

loc.gov

6. Sir Robert Borden

Sir Robert Borden became prime minister as part of a nationwide talent search to find the toughest-looking Canadian. Once the winner was picked, Sir Borden challenged him to a wrestling match and threw him off a cliff, thus becoming prime minister.


Louis St. Laurent

Library and Archives Canada

7. Louis St. Laurent

Louis St. Laurent looks like he should be commanding a missile base in Dr. Strangelove. And who knows, maybe he did! I don’t know anything about Canadian history.


Kim Campbell

Denise Grant / Library and Archives Canada

8. Kim Campbell

If you were hoping to be the first female prime minister of Canada, then I’ve got some bad news: You’re 20 years too late. Also, you’re a man. Sorry!


William Lyon Mackenzie King

Dutch National Archives

9. Mackenzie King

If your house is being haunted by a former Canadian prime minister, it’s probably the ghost of Mackenzie King. Just leave out a plate of poutine for him before you go to bed, and then he’ll stop levitating your furniture all the time. (If you’re sure that’s what you want.)


Brian Mulroney

Library and Archives Canada

10. Brian Mulroney

I could tell you how Brian Mulroney got the nickname “The Lawnmower Bandit,” but that would spoil the surprise!


Lester B. Pearson

11. Lester B. Pearson

Lester Pearson isn’t angry—he’s just disappointed in you.


RB Bennett

Library and Archives Canada

12. R.B. Bennett

It wasn’t easy being the richest man in Canada during the Great Depression.

OK, it was sort of easy. Just, you know, not as easy as usual.


Joe Clark

13. Joe Clark

There’s something about Joe Clark that makes me think of Mr. Rogers. Maybe it’s the way he’s smiling with his mouth slightly open. Maybe it’s the way he wears a lot of cardigans and rides a trolley to work and talks to imaginary tigers. Whatever it is, I like it, and I want to be his neighbor.


Paul Martin

Dave Chan

14. Paul Martin

If you’re a fan of Paul Martin, you can see him in person by traveling to Montreal, driving to his house, shimmying up the drainpipe, crawling through his bedroom window, and shouting “Wake up, Paul Martin!”


Stephen Harper

15. Stephen Harper

Look at this photo and see if you can guess which one of these adorable critters is the former prime minister of Canada. You might be surprised by the answer!


Jean Chrétien

Library and Archives Canada

16. Jean Chrétien

Did you know that Jean Chrétien was elected to Parliament even though he didn’t speak English? The Canadian people aren’t very picky.


Sir Wilfred Laurier

British Library

17. Sir Wilfrid Laurier

You might recognize Sir Wilfrid Laurier from seeing him on the Canadian 5-dollar bill, like if you’ve ever stolen a Canadian’s wallet.


Sir John A. Macdonald

18. Sir John A. Macdonald

Sir John A. Macdonald was the first prime minister of Canada. (The last prime minister of Canada will be a sentient supercomputer.)


Sir John Thompson

Library and Archives Canada

19. Sir John Thompson

Remember the time the U.S. told Canada that only American seal hunters were allowed to hunt seals in the Bering Sea? Ha! That was classic.

Sir John Thompson is still pretty mad about it though. He loves eating seals!


John Diefenbaker

Diefenbaker Canada Centre at University of Saskatchewan

20. John Diefenbaker

History will always remember John Diefenbaker as one of the few real-life instances of a James Bond-style supervillain seizing control of a country.


Sir John Abbott

Library and Archives Canada

21. Sir John Abbott

Where would you like to be photographed, Mr. Prime Minister?
—I’ve got the perfect spot right here, in front of this disgusting blanket.
Uh, I’m not sure…
—Now, make sure you get the whole blanket in there. I’ll just sit in this chair here and think about how much I hate politics. Mmmmmm.


Alexander Mackenzie

Library and Archives Canada

22. Alexander Mackenzie

Unlike every other early prime minister of Canada, Alexander Mackenzie refused to be knighted. “I’ll be king or I’ll be nothing!” he said.


Sir Charles Tupper

loc.gov

23. Sir Charles Tupper

Here’s a fashion tip from Sir Charles Tupper: Trim your nails into pointy, vampire-like talons. There. Now you’re ready for summer!


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