To celebrate the heartwarming friendship between Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin, learn how to make your own Trump puppet…out of candles! (And turn off your volume, unless you have a weirdly cool workplace.)
If you are eating right now, stop eating! You are about to see presidents of the United States wearing bathing suits, and it is an experience that is incompatible with the digestion of food.
You might be wondering, “Is this safe to view at work?” The answer is that it depends on where you work. If you’re not sure, ask the HR department if your office has a policy on looking at pictures of the presidents in bathing suits during work hours.
PLEASE NOTE: Instead of listing the presidents in chronological order, we’ve ranked them in order of the length of their you-know-whats.
Gerald Ford reveals America’s secret weapon.
Length of inaugural address: 850 words
You might as well linger here, because it’s not going to get any better than this! (We mean both this list and, also, your life.)
Length of inaugural address: 983 words
Here is a photo of Jimmy Carter in Georgia at the Plains High School Senior Prom. (As a chaperone, it was his job to make sure none of the students were eaten by catfish.)
Length of inaugural address: 1,228 words
“I’ve already slept with all the women on this beach, too. Hoist the mainsail, we’re moving on to the next island!”
Length of inaugural address: 1,364 words
You can see a half-naked George Washington anytime you want, by going to the National Museum of American History. You can even sit in his lap, if you don’t mind being arrested!
Length of inaugural address: 1,419 words
“Oh hi, I’m Lucifer. Welcome to Hell! Here’s your roommate.”
Length of inaugural address: 1,433 words
“Well Timmy, it says here ‘Warning extreme danger do not use as a floatation device,’ but I don’t know who the hell these people think they’re talking to.”
Length of inaugural address: 1,492 words
You’re thinking about bringing Bill Clinton a towel, because he looks cold, but that’s just what he wants you to do.
Length of inaugural address: 1,580 words
FDR’s blossoming career as a 1920s circus strong man on the Atlantic City boardwalk was cut short when he decided to enter politics.
Length of inaugural address: 1,880 words
Jimmy Carter was the first president born in a hospital, but Richard Nixon was the first president to emerge mysteriously from the ocean as a fully formed, tricky adult.
Length of inaugural address: 2,123 words
Every day is an adventure with Harry S. Truman! That’s why every day he wears a pith helmet.
Length of inaugural address: 2,273 words
Sure, he’s enjoying those legs now. But that deal he made with the sea witch is going to come back to haunt him.
Length of inaugural address: 2,404 words
I hope this woman was telling Dwight D. Eisenhower that he looks great and does not need to be wearing Spanx.
Length of inaugural address: 2,446 words
The biggest drowning risk at Ronald Reagan’s pool was drowning in his deep blue eyes. (And then, dazed and lightheaded, drowning in the pool.)
Length of inaugural address: 2,463 words
“I know how to fix this—I’ll catch a bunch of trout for everyone. Those Dust Bowl farmers are going to be blown away when they hear the news about trout.”
Length of inaugural address: 3,801 words
Calvin Coolidge was confused about the assignment.
Length of inaugural address: 4,054 words
Do not read this story straight through from beginning to end. These web pages contain many different adventures you may have as U.S. president Donald Trump. From time to time as you read along, you will be asked to make a choice. Your choice may lead to disaster, a worse disaster, or—theoretically—middling success.
The adventures you have will be the result of your choices. After you make a choice, follow the instructions and see what happens.
Be careful! As the president of the United States, your choices have the potential to affect the entire planet. (And not in the abstract “a butterfly flapping its wings in China” sense. We mean the “your choices can burn the world in nuclear fire” sense.)
The date is January 20, 2017, and you have just been inaugurated as the 45th president of the United States.
You’re sitting in the Oval Office and thinking about what a dump it is compared to Trump Tower. There is almost no gold or white marble at all. You resolve to fix this quickly, because if there’s one thing that says “This country is great again,” it’s having the elite live in gold-and-marble palaces. You’re making a mental note to pass a law or something to make the White House gold when your chief-of-staff Reince Priebus walks in.
“Mr. President,” says Reince, “We’ve got a emerging situation in the Baltics. Secretary of Defense Mattis would like to brief you immediately.”
Just then, the red phone at the corner of your desk starts ringing. It’s the hotline to the Kremlin! Vladimir Putin must be calling to congratulate you. That guy sure loves to chat!
Boy, this job already feels like a lot of work. What will you do?
It’s time for the annual feature in which we comment on the search terms that brought people to our site. WordPress shows us these terms, presumably to help us do search engine optimization. But you know what is more fun than working on search engine optimization? Nearly everything. And “nearly everything” includes “making fun of people’s search terms.”
So, if you think reading jokes about search terms sounds fun, then you’ve come to the right place! Indeed, this might be the only place for you. And if you enjoy it, feel free to check out our 2015 installment. It will feel comfortable and familiar, because we probably recycled a lot of the same jokes.
If you haven’t read our series of Putin Fan Fiction yet, I recommend doing so, and then this will make (slightly) more sense. Just explain to your family that they’ll have to postpone celebrating Christmas for another five or six hours, because you’re reading fan fiction about Vladimir Putin.
Kate and I have different political perspectives (I’m a former GOP Senate staffer, Kate went to Brown), but we both oppose Trump. We didn’t sleep well election night, despite repeated doses of Miller Lite and Alka-Seltzer Plus “Night” (which we nevertheless endorse).
We are worried, and we didn’t write this to reassure you that everything is going to be OK. Trump ran as a nativist authoritarian and a lot of our fellow Americans voted for him, either despite that or because of it. That is a big deal, and we think anyone who cares about democracy should be worried. By which we mean worried enough to fight to preserve the republic. We DON’T want you to be so worried that you sit around drowning your sorrows in Alka-Seltzer. Do as we say, not as we do, at least with respect to Alka-Seltzer.
You might be blissfully unaware of this, but there is a whole culture of Trump supporters who use their free time and rudimentary knowledge of Photoshop to create pro-Trump “memes” to be distributed on Twitter.
Like scientists trekking deep into the fever swamps to collect an exotic tropical virus, we scrolled through literally tens of thousands of pro-Trump tweets to pick out some of the most bizarre images. And then we wrote captions for them, because that is what we do.