Hottest Heads of State

We think the name is self-explanatory

Dilma Rousseff

President of Brazil (sort of)

You are Dilma Rousseff


Do not read this story straight through from beginning to end. These web pages contain many different adventures you may have as Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff. From time to time as you read along, you will be asked to make a choice. Your choice may lead to success or disaster!

Remember—you cannot go back!

I mean, I guess you could click your browser’s “back” button. But I’ll know if you do, and I’ll be angry about it.

Palácio da Alvorada mezzanine

You are Dilma Rousseff, ex-guerilla fighter and beleaguered president of Brazil.

The Olympics in Rio de Janeiro are underway, and this should have been the crowning moment of your presidency. But instead you are pacing the halls of the presidential palace like a caged tiger, awaiting the results of your impeachment trial.

The man ruling the country while you await trial, Michel Temer, was once your vice president and closest ally—until he conspired to force you from power and seize the (interim) presidency for himself. You would love to confront him face-to-face and denounce him as a liar, a traitor, and—let’s face it—a pretty lousy friend. On the other hand, perhaps your time would be better spent doing interviews with the media, to get your side of the story out there.

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Donald Trump’s July 21 NYT Interview, Illustrated

Since antiquity, illustrated manuscripts have helped bring clarity to confusing, ambiguous texts. And, like a monk toiling away in some secluded monastery, I have illustrated the transcript of Donald Trump’s July 21 interview with the New York Times. Its mysteries and occluded meanings have been brought to light, via the magic of the mechanical pencil Kate uses for crossword puzzles.

(Well, that, and the magic of resting the paper against the computer screen to trace a particularly tricky image. Yes, that’s a thing you can do when you draw! And now you’ve graduated from the JD and Kate Industries Design Institute.)

We’ve only included the relevant sections of the transcript, because we don’t want the ruthless New York Times IP attorneys to try take our house again. But you should go here and read the whole thing. You will learn a lot!

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Vladimir Putin Fan Fiction: Ch. 6

Previous installments: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5
Vladimir Putin in a mailroom,

Chapter 6: Putin the Moves On You

Alexander Lukashenko insists on walking you home after dinner, even though it is freezing outside and you keep hinting that you would rather him take you home in a cab.

“I wonder if it would be more cold or less cold inside of a cab,” you hint.

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Vladimir Putin Fan Fiction, Ch. 5

Previous installments: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4
Vladimir Putin

Chapter 5: I Can’t Believe I’ve Written Five Chapters of This

When your alarm goes off, your first thought is that the whole thing was a terrible and wonderful dream.

Then, with a start, you realize that only the part where you were starring in a Broadway adaptation of Independence Day was a terrible and wonderful dream. The part where you were whisked away on a romantic getaway with Vladimir Putin, and then kidnapped, and then rescued by Vladimir Putin was all too real. (Well, maybe not too real. Just real enough, let’s say.)

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You Should Read Our Other Website

Because we are always coming up with ideas for new humor websites to create and then neglect, we’d like to introduce you to Ad Supplement.

Ad Supplement is the only website on the entire internet devoted to making fun of the ads in the New York Times Magazine. If you are a fan of Hottest Heads of State and you read the New York Times Magazine, then you are part of a very small subset of people who is going to love Ad Supplement! Maybe you can all get special hats made or something.

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Malcolm Turnbull

Prime Minister of Australia
Malcolm Turnbull and Angela Lansbury

Photo by Steve Lunam

I love television as much as the next person who isn’t a monster. And yet, I feel like television is missing something these days. Specifically, it is missing Murder, She Wrote.

Murder, She Wrote has been off the air for twenty long and miserable years, and it’s time to put an end to our suffering with a Murder, She Wrote reboot. As it happens, I’ve found the perfect person to star in this new television series: Australian prime minister Malcolm Turnbull.

Malcolm Turnbull is not only movie-star handsome, he is also Angela Lansbury’s cousin, so pretending to solve crimes is in his blood. And Australia is the perfect setting for a murder-mystery series, because much like the small Maine town where the original Murder, She Wrote took place, Australia is filled with an almost impossible number of criminals.

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Choose Your Own Adventure

Dilma Rousseff

2016 U.S. Election

Donald Trump's July 21 NYT Interview, Illustrated

Fan Fiction

Vladimir Putin Fan Fiction: Ch. 6