Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

How to Make Candles

Did you know that, in addition to running the amazing website you see before you, Kate and I also make candles that smell like world leaders? It’s true! I’m surprised you didn’t already know, because we bring it up ALL THE TIME.

And today, dear readers, we are going to teach YOU how to make candles. That way you’ll be prepared to come work for us when our candle empire grows out of control and we need to hire staff, or at least bring on an unpaid intern. So get out your notepads and get ready to learn how to make candles.

Step 1

Dress appropriately. This is a serious endeavor and you need to treat it with respect. Think business formal.

Step 1


Step 2

Measure out paraffin wax into your melting pot. This is a good opportunity to imagine you’re in the spermaceti-squeezing scene in Moby Dick.

How to make candles - Step 4


Step 3

Measure out soy wax into your melting pot. Now, you might be wondering “if I’m feeling a little peckish, can I eat soy wax?” Absolutely, depending how you define “eat.” At a minimum, you can put it in your mouth and swallow it.

Step 3


Step 4

Add dye. But make sure it’s candle dye, and not food coloring or fabric dye! Actually, on second thought, maybe those would work too. Give it a shot and let us know how it turns out!

Step 4


Step 5

Have a drink while you wait for the wax to melt. You’ve earned it!

Step 5


Step 6

Stick a wick to the bottom of the candle container and secure it in place. The wick is a really important part of a quality candle, but a lot of cheap, mass-produced candles will skip the wick entirely. Not you!

Step 6


Step 7

Take the wax’s temperature. Unlike your horrible children, the wax will stay still for this. But don’t let it get hotter than its flashpoint, because if you burn your house down in a freak candle-making accident, you’ll have to have an embarrassing conversation with your insurance company.

Step 7


Step 8

Pour wax into a separate container and add scent. You’ll want to do this in a separate container so your melting pot doesn’t start to smell like Donald Trump. Because it would be nice if there were a single damn thing in your house not contaminated with the noxious odor of steak and tanning lotion.

Step 8


Step 9

Pour the melted, scented wax into the candle containers. This hand-pouring is what separates your hand-poured candles from the bland, corporate candles churned out in the smoke-belching factories of “Big Candle,” so you should really savor the authenticity of this moment. Also, if you mess anything up, remember that little defects and imperfections are actually good, since they underscore that your candles are handmade, by amateurs. Poorly.

Step 9


Step 10

Wait for the wax to cool and cure. This is going to take at least 24 hours, so you should reward yourself again, but this time with ten or twenty drinks.

Step 10


Step 11

Trim the wick down to a reasonable length. We use toenail clippers but we PROMISE we don’t these clippers for anything else, except clipping our toenails.

Step 11


Step 12

Stick on a label. You’re not going to get it perfectly even and wrinkle-free, because you are neither a machine nor some kind of label ninja. If anyone criticizes your label placement just write “handmade!” on a slip of paper and tie it around a rock. But don’t throw it through their window, just leave it on their doorstep. They’ll get the message.

Justin Trudeau-Scented Candle


Step 13

You’re done! Unless you’ve foolishly decided that your candles need a wig. In which case, you’re going to need another drink before you get started on the slow, tedious, and hairy process of making tiny wigs.

How to make candles: Step 13

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Andrzej Duda

President of Poland
Andrzej Duda

polen-heute.de

Here is something we’ve learned from checking our email inbox every month or two: a lot of people have strong opinions about where we’ve ranked Polish president Andrzej Duda on our list of hottest world leaders.

We have received a few angry-ish comments regarding our ranking of President Duda, and now we are going to respond to them all at once, because that seemed like the most efficient way to deal with the whole Duda situation. It’s like killing 14 birds with one stone! And if there’s one thing we really want, it’s a bunch of dead birds.

Please note: These are all real comments and questions we’ve received, reprinted verbatim, but our intention is not to make fun of spelling/grammatical errors from people who might not be native English speakers (or anyone else). Every one of these people speaks much better English than we speak of any second language.


So is Andrzej Duda “the king of Space” going to be first or is he gonna nuke USA

Is this really an either-or thing? Nuking the USA sounds like exactly the kind of thing the King of Space would do. Like, literally the first thing he does after his coronation ceremony. Maybe nuking the USA is even part of his coronation ceremony.

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Dilma Rousseff

President of Brazil (sort of)

You are Dilma Rousseff

WARNING!!!

Do not read this story straight through from beginning to end. These web pages contain many different adventures you may have as Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff. From time to time as you read along, you will be asked to make a choice. Your choice may lead to success or disaster!

Remember—you cannot go back!

I mean, I guess you could click your browser’s “back” button. But I’ll know if you do, and I’ll be angry about it.


Palácio da Alvorada mezzanine

planalto.gov.br

You are Dilma Rousseff, ex-guerilla fighter and beleaguered president of Brazil.

The Olympics in Rio de Janeiro are underway, and this should have been the crowning moment of your presidency. But instead you are pacing the halls of the presidential palace like a caged tiger, awaiting the results of your impeachment trial.

The man ruling the country while you await trial, Michel Temer, was once your vice president and closest ally—until he conspired to force you from power and seize the (interim) presidency for himself. You would love to confront him face-to-face and denounce him as a liar, a traitor, and—let’s face it—a pretty lousy friend. On the other hand, perhaps your time would be better spent doing interviews with the media, to get your side of the story out there.

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Donald Trump’s July 21 NYT Interview, Illustrated

Since antiquity, illustrated manuscripts have helped bring clarity to confusing, ambiguous texts. And, like a monk toiling away in some secluded monastery, I have illustrated the transcript of Donald Trump’s July 21 interview with the New York Times. Its mysteries and occluded meanings have been brought to light, via the magic of the mechanical pencil Kate uses for crossword puzzles.

(Well, that, and the magic of resting the paper against the computer screen to trace a particularly tricky image. Yes, that’s a thing you can do when you draw! And now you’ve graduated from the JD and Kate Industries Design Institute.)

We’ve only included the relevant sections of the transcript, because we don’t want the ruthless New York Times IP attorneys to try take our house again. But you should go here and read the whole thing. You will learn a lot!

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Vladimir Putin Fan Fiction: Ch. 6

Previous installments: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5
Vladimir Putin in a mailroom

kremlin.ru, bigstockphotos.com

Chapter 6: Putin the Moves On You

Alexander Lukashenko insists on walking you home after dinner, even though it is freezing outside and you keep hinting that you would rather him take you home in a cab.

“I wonder if it would be more cold or less cold inside of a cab,” you hint.

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Vladimir Putin Fan Fiction, Ch. 5

Previous installments: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4
Vladimir Putin

kremlin.ru

Chapter 5: I Can’t Believe I’ve Written Five Chapters of This

When your alarm goes off, your first thought is that the whole thing was a terrible and wonderful dream.

Then, with a start, you realize that only the part where you were starring in a Broadway adaptation of Independence Day was a terrible and wonderful dream. The part where you were whisked away on a romantic getaway with Vladimir Putin, and then kidnapped, and then rescued by Vladimir Putin was all too real. (Well, maybe not too real. Just real enough, let’s say.)

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You Should Read Our Other Website

Because we are always coming up with ideas for new humor websites to create and then neglect, we’d like to introduce you to Ad Supplement.

Ad Supplement is the only website on the entire internet devoted to making fun of the ads in the New York Times Magazine. If you are a fan of Hottest Heads of State and you read the New York Times Magazine, then you are part of a very small subset of people who is going to love Ad Supplement! Maybe you can all get special hats made or something.

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Special Report

How to Make Candles

FAQ

Andrzej Duda

Choose Your Own Adventure

Dilma Rousseff