Hottest Heads of State

A scientific and unbiased ranking of world leaders in order of hotness.

Gaze Upon the Presidents in their Bathing Suits

If you are eating right now, stop eating! You are about to see presidents of the United States wearing bathing suits, and it is an experience that is incompatible with the digestion of food.

You might be wondering, “Is this safe to view at work?” The answer is that it depends on where you work. If you’re not sure, ask the HR department if your office has a policy on looking at pictures of the presidents in bathing suits during work hours.

Also, please follow us on Facebook and Twitter, because it will make us happy. (We already checked with your HR and this is fine to do at work!)

PLEASE NOTE: Instead of listing the presidents in chronological order, we’ve ranked them in order of the length of their you-know-whats.


Gerald Ford in a bathing suit

Gerald Ford

Gerald Ford reveals America’s secret weapon.

Length of inaugural address: 850 words


Young Theodore Roosevelt in a bathing suit

Theodore Roosevelt

You might as well linger here, because it’s not going to get any better than this! (We mean both this list and, also, your life.)

Length of inaugural address: 983 words


Jimmy Carter in a bathing suit

Jimmy Carter

Here is a photo of Jimmy Carter in Georgia at the Plains High School Senior Prom. (As a chaperone, it was his job to make sure none of the students were eaten by catfish.)

Length of inaugural address: 1,228 words


JFK in a bathing suit

John F. Kennedy

“I’ve already slept with all the women on this beach, too. Hoist the mainsail, we’re moving on to the next island!”

Length of inaugural address: 1,364 words


George Washington in a bathing suit (sort of)

George Washington

You can see a half-naked George Washington anytime you want, by going to the National Museum of American History. You can even sit in his lap, if you don’t mind being arrested!

Length of inaugural address: 1,419 words


Donald Trump in bathrobe

Donald Trump

“Oh hi, I’m Lucifer. Welcome to Hell! Here’s your roommate.”

Length of inaugural address: 1,433 words


LBJ in bathing suit

Lyndon B. Johnson Library

Lyndon B. Johnson

“Well Timmy, it says here ‘Warning extreme danger do not use as a floatation device,’ but I don’t know who the hell these people think they’re talking to.”

Length of inaugural address: 1,492 words


Bill Clinton in bathing suit

Bill Clinton

You’re thinking about bringing Bill Clinton a towel, because he looks cold, but that’s just what he wants you to do.

Length of inaugural address: 1,580 words


FDR in a bathing suit

Franklin D. Roosevelt

FDR’s blossoming career as a 1920s circus strong man on the Atlantic City boardwalk was cut short when he decided to enter politics.

Length of inaugural address: 1,880 words


Richard Nixon in a bathing suit

Richard Nixon

Jimmy Carter was the first president born in a hospital, but Richard Nixon was the first president to emerge mysteriously from the ocean as a fully formed, tricky adult.

Length of inaugural address: 2,123 words


Harry S. Truman in a bathing suit

US Navy / Harry S. Truman Library

Harry S. Truman

Every day is an adventure with Harry S. Truman! That’s why every day he wears a pith helmet.

Length of inaugural address: 2,273 words


Barack Obama

Sure, he’s enjoying those legs now. But that deal he made with the sea witch is going to come back to haunt him.

Length of inaugural address: 2,404 words


Dwight D. Eisenhower in a bathing suit

Dwight D. Eisenhower

I hope this woman was telling Dwight D. Eisenhower that he looks great and does not need to be wearing Spanx.

Length of inaugural address: 2,446 words


Young Ronald Reagan in a bathing suit

Ronald Reagan

The biggest drowning risk at Ronald Reagan’s pool was drowning in his deep blue eyes. (And then, dazed and lightheaded, drowning in the pool.)

Length of inaugural address: 2,463 words


Herbert Hoover in a bathing suit (sort of)

Herbert Hoover

“I know how to fix this—I’ll catch a bunch of trout for everyone. Those Dust Bowl farmers are going to be blown away when they hear the news about trout.”

Length of inaugural address: 3,801 words


Calvin Coolidge in native american headdress

Calvin Coolidge

Calvin Coolidge was confused about the assignment.

Length of inaugural address: 4,054 words


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Choose Your Own Adventure: You Are Donald Trump

Choose Your Own Adventure: You are Donald Trump

WARNING!!

Do not read this story straight through from beginning to end. These web pages contain many different adventures you may have as U.S. president Donald Trump. From time to time as you read along, you will be asked to make a choice. Your choice may lead to disaster, a worse disaster, or—theoretically—middling success.

The adventures you have will be the result of your choices. After you make a choice, follow the instructions and see what happens.

Be careful! As the president of the United States, your choices have the potential to affect the entire planet. (And not in the abstract “a butterfly flapping its wings in China” sense. We mean the “your choices can burn the world in nuclear fire” sense.)

Good Luck!


Page 1

The date is January 20, 2017, and you have just been inaugurated as the 45th president of the United States.

You’re sitting in the Oval Office and thinking about what a dump it is compared to Trump Tower. There is almost no gold or white marble at all. You resolve to fix this quickly, because if there’s one thing that says “This country is great again,” it’s having the elite live in gold-and-marble palaces. You’re making a mental note to pass a law or something to make the White House gold when your chief-of-staff Reince Priebus walks in.

“Mr. President,” says Reince, “We’ve got a emerging situation in the Baltics. Secretary of Defense Mattis would like to brief you immediately.”

Just then, the red phone at the corner of your desk starts ringing. It’s the hotline to the Kremlin! Vladimir Putin must be calling to congratulate you. That guy sure loves to chat!

Boy, this job already feels like a lot of work. What will you do?

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Best Search Terms from 2016

It’s time for the annual feature in which we comment on the search terms that brought people to our site. WordPress shows us these terms, presumably to help us do search engine optimization. But you know what is more fun than working on search engine optimization? Nearly everything. And “nearly everything” includes “making fun of people’s search terms.”

So, if you think reading jokes about search terms sounds fun, then you’ve come to the right place! Indeed, this might be the only place for you. And if you enjoy it, feel free to check out our 2015 installment. It will feel comfortable and familiar, because we probably recycled a lot of the same jokes.

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A Very Putin Christmas

Putin Christmas

If you haven’t read our series of Putin Fan Fiction yet, I recommend doing so, and then this will make (slightly) more sense. Just explain to your family that they’ll have to postpone celebrating Christmas for another five or six hours, because you’re reading fan fiction about Vladimir Putin.

It’s the night before Christmas, and you are alone in your apartment, drinking wine out of a gingerbread house that you’ve fashioned into a very leaky wine glass.

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Reasons Not to Feel Hopeless

Washington Crossing the Delaware

Kate and I have different political perspectives (I’m a former GOP Senate staffer, Kate went to Brown), but we both oppose Trump. We didn’t sleep well election night, despite repeated doses of Miller Lite and Alka-Seltzer Plus “Night” (which we nevertheless endorse).

We are worried, and we didn’t write this to reassure you that everything is going to be OK. Trump ran as a nativist authoritarian and a lot of our fellow Americans voted for him, either despite that or because of it. That is a big deal, and we think anyone who cares about democracy should be worried. By which we mean worried enough to fight to preserve the republic. We DON’T want you to be so worried that you sit around drowning your sorrows in Alka-Seltzer. Do as we say, not as we do, at least with respect to Alka-Seltzer.

So with that it mind, here are the things that are keeping us from losing hope.

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The “Best” of Trump Twitter Memes

You might be blissfully unaware of this, but there is a whole culture of Trump supporters who use their free time and rudimentary knowledge of Photoshop to create pro-Trump “memes” to be distributed on Twitter.

Like scientists trekking deep into the fever swamps to collect an exotic tropical virus, we scrolled through literally tens of thousands of pro-Trump tweets to pick out some of the most bizarre images. And then we wrote captions for them, because that is what we do.

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How to Make Candles

Did you know that, in addition to running the amazing website you see before you, Kate and I also make candles that smell like world leaders? It’s true! I’m surprised you didn’t already know, because we bring it up ALL THE TIME.

And today, dear readers, we are going to teach YOU how to make candles. That way you’ll be prepared to come work for us when our candle empire grows out of control and we need to hire staff, or at least bring on an unpaid intern.

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Special Report

Gaze Upon the Presidents in their Bathing Suits

2016 U.S. ElectionChoose Your Own Adventure

Choose Your Own Adventure: You Are Donald Trump

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Best Search Terms from 2016