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Ten Reasons to Vote for Trump

President Trump news clip

1. Excitement.

This has been the most exciting political campaign in human history. Now just imagine what a Trump presidency will be like. He’ll do wacky stunts every time media attention shifts away from him for even a few hours. Like put America back on the gold standard! Hold an Apprentice-like contest in which world leaders compete to see which of their countries isn’t nuked! Unexpectedly resign from office! Every single day of a Trump presidency, people will ask themselves, “Man, what kind of crazy stuff will the most powerful person on the planet do next?” (Which obviously is a good thing.)


Magic Ball Outlook Not So Good

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2. You’re a Republican.

You don’t like Donald Trump. But you’re a Republican, so you have to vote for him. I’m sorry but that’s the law! Let’s just hope a Magic 8-ball or toaster or a toenail clipping or something doesn’t get the nomination next time around. (But still—better than Hillary, amirite?)


Stephen Breyer

Steve Petteway / Collection of the Supreme Court of the United States

3. You’re a conservative, and you want those sweet, sweet Supreme Court seats.

As many as…well, I guess as many as nine Supreme Court seats might come open during the next president’s administration.  You can’t let Hillary appoint those justices! Just look at who her husband appointed: Stephen Breyer. Ugh, Breyer! He is the WORST!

So to get conservative justices on the bench, you need to put a conservative in the White House. Sure, you might not like the thought of voting for someone who boasts about seducing married women, or claims to have studied “Two Corinthians,” or brags during presidential debates about his…manhood. But at the end of the day you want a principled conservative to nominate those justices, right? And Donald Trump is…well, actually I’ve lost the thread of this argument. Let’s move on.


Woman waking up

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4. Renewed sense of purpose and meaning in your life.

You know how people who narrowly avoid death feel exhilarated simply at being alive? Under a Trump administration, you will feel that way every single morning when you wake up and realize the world didn’t end in a cauldron of nuclear fire overnight. Speaking of which…


Armageddon

National Nuclear Security Administration / Nevada Site Office

5. Bring on Armageddon.

You’re probably going to heaven, right? I mean, you’re reading this website, so you can’t be all bad. Well, why wait? Let’s put Donald Trump’s tiny finger on the button and get things moving.


Pollice Verso, 1872 painting by Jean-Léon Gérôme

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6. Roman Empire > Roman Republic.

The Roman Empire was thrilling. Caligula! The Colosseum! Hadrian’s Wall! On the other hand, the Roman Republic brought us…what? Can you name one thing? Honestly the most interesting thing about the Roman Republic was the assassination of Julius Caesar, which barely counts. In the interest of excitement, it’s time we got this whole republic phase of American history over with and moved on to the next chapter. Which, if nothing else, promises to have a lot of walls.


Teenage Girl Being Bullied By Text Message

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7. Nerds.

What if a nerd shows up in America and we need someone to make fun of them? Trump is ready to take that 3 am call where someone says, “Mr. President, wake up! We need you to humiliate someone!” (Although honestly, if Trump thinks that call is coming, he’ll be too excited to sleep.)


Arsonist

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8. Shake up a broken and corrupted system.

Washington has been corrupted by the rich buying influence. To fix it, we need a billionaire with a long history of buying influence. It’s just like firefighting: When you’re confronting a huge fire, you don’t need a firefighter. Their whole job depends on the continued existence of fires! What you need is an arsonist, who has been setting fires for years and knows how the system works from the inside. And this time, you can trust him to fight fires instead of setting them, because


Let Me Show Our New Model.

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9. Changing the subject!

Trump loves changing the subject, sometimes mid-sentence. It’s how you know he’s unscripted and honest. Well that, and the way he is always saying “believe me.” Only honest people constantly assure you that you can trust them. Believe me!


Donald Trump news clip

10. Fight racism.

Trump isn’t a racist. Just ask him! He’ll be the first to tell you that he is “the least racist person you’ve ever met.” And you’ll feel a little embarrassed you didn’t already know that.

But even though Donald Trump is the least racist person you’ve ever met, he is somehow able to connect with the white nationalist community better than…well, probably better than anyone you’ve ever met! Even when it comes to attracting political support from racists, Donald Trump can’t help but win. So just imagine what it’ll be like when he starts telling his racist fans that they need to open their hearts and change their ways. Man, it is really going to blow those racists’ minds. I can’t wait!

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Vladimir Putin Fan Fiction, Ch. 5

Previous installments: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4
Vladimir Putin

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Chapter 5: I Can’t Believe I’ve Written Five Chapters of This

When your alarm goes off, your first thought is that the whole thing was a terrible and wonderful dream.

Then, with a start, you realize that only the part where you were starring in a Broadway adaptation of Independence Day was a terrible and wonderful dream. The part where you were whisked away on a romantic getaway with Vladimir Putin, and then kidnapped, and then rescued by Vladimir Putin was all too real. (Well, maybe not too real. Just real enough, let’s say.)

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You Should Read Our Other Website

Because we are always coming up with ideas for new humor websites to create and then neglect, we’d like to introduce you to Ad Supplement.

Ad Supplement is the only website on the entire internet devoted to making fun of the ads in the New York Times Magazine. If you are a fan of Hottest Heads of State and you read the New York Times Magazine, then you are part of a very small subset of people who is going to love Ad Supplement! Maybe you can all get special hats made or something.

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Malcolm Turnbull

Prime Minister of Australia
Malcolm Turnbull and Angela Lansbury

Photo by Steve Lunam

I love television as much as the next person who isn’t a monster. And yet, I feel like television is missing something these days. Specifically, it is missing Murder, She Wrote.

Murder, She Wrote has been off the air for twenty long and miserable years, and it’s time to put an end to our suffering with a Murder, She Wrote reboot. As it happens, I’ve found the perfect person to star in this new television series: Australian prime minister Malcolm Turnbull.

Malcolm Turnbull is not only movie-star handsome, he is also Angela Lansbury’s cousin, so pretending to solve crimes is in his blood. And Australia is the perfect setting for a murder-mystery series, because much like the small Maine town where the original Murder, She Wrote took place, Australia is filled with an almost impossible number of criminals.

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Let’s Help the Democrats Choose a Vice President

Last week we gave the remaining GOP candidates some suggestions on who they should choose as running mates. But now the Democratic candidates are (probably) saying, “What about us? We don’t know who to choose as running mates either! And we need some ideas, or we’ll end up just picking someone at random from the crowd at the convention, like Kerry did with John Edwards.”

Well, OK! As promised, here are our VP picks for the Democratic candidates, each one more real and serious than the last. Enjoy!

Vice President Picks for Hillary Clinton

Millenials

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All those Millennials conveniently positioned behind Hillary at every televised speech

All of them. They can travel around together in an armored SUV and pile out like a bunch of clowns at the circus whenever Hillary needs them to cast a tie-breaking vote in the Senate or something.

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2016 U.S. Election

Ten Reasons to Vote for Trump

Special Report

The Vice Presidents of the United States: In Order of Hotness

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